Mommy's Madhouse: November 2009

Lately I have been in a ditch- emotionally, financially, and physically. I am always tired! Not just tired, weary. Things can be so heavy and I just whine and worry and forget to trust. Let me explain.
I won't go into a lot of detail, but things are really hard for us right now. This has been a roller coaster year- a new baby that came after a pregnancy with complications, me out of work that came with a pay cut for Les, and now what seems to be the endless climbing out of the hole that all of that caused. All of these things are hard on the pocketbook, but they are also hard on the emotions. I feel inadequate and responsible- I am the one who got pregnant, I am the one who had complications that caused 3 hospital stays while I was pregnant, I am the one who required multiple medical procedures, I am the one who had to stop working, I am the one who handles the finances in our house. I just keep coming back to me, that I am the reason and the problem. Part of me thinks things will never get better, but then God shows me little rays of light in this mess. Matthew is finally sleeping all night, every night. This really helps with the physical part of being so tired. We have been blessed with generous gifts of clothes for both girls and Matthew. This helps with some of the worry of providing what they need. We were able to get some help with the cost of the kids lunches (a silver lining to the pay cut and bigger family). We still have our house and are able to put food on the table every day.
I know if this is hard for me, it has to be awful for my husband. Men are wired to be the provider and he feels that he isn't doing that right now, which is not true!! My husband is one of the hardest working people I know. He will do anything for anybody! He has the biggest servant's heart and God has blessed him with the skills to use it to help others. I am so proud to be his wife!
It isn't easy to say no to the kids about things that used to be routine. Our oldest two understand that things are tough, especially Jonathon. It makes me want to cry when he begins his request with, "I know we probably don't have enough money for this, . . ." . Kids should not have to be concerned with household finances. Yes, they should learn that money must be earned and possessions should be taken care of but getting a new pair of shoes shouldn't be prefaced with that statement.
I have really been struggling with the thought that I don't fit in when we are with other couples or families and that I am living a lie because I haven't been honest with friends. No one knows how much we are struggling. I know this is Satan in my head and I know I can not believe these thoughts because that is not true. I have a real hard time asking for help- I never hesitate to offer to help someone, but feel very awkward when I receive help. Almost as if I am unworthy.
I have already begun the worry about Christmas- how do you spend extra when there is no extra to spend?
I am not even sure I can publish this post. My family and friends read my blog and I don't want them to worry. We will get out of this ditch! We will get past this rough spot. I have to continue to find things to be thankful for- Les has a job, I have a job, we are all healthy, we have people who love us and would be there if we ever did ask for help. But mostly, I am thankful that no matter the struggles on this earth, my home is in Heaven where none of us will have to worry again.
I need to post this. I need to say these things to someone other than my husband. I need to get some of this in the light so that it loses it's power over me. I need others to know so they can pray for us and for me. Pray that we are making wise choices. Pray that we are being obedient. Pray that we are patient and that we rely on God and not ourselves. I need you to pray for me to let go of this guilt over things that I did not have control over.
I need to remember that my God is in control and He is good always! And it is only through Him that we will ever get out of this ditch.