gifts

I have 4 children. I know they are all gifts from God. Well, at least I know this in my head. Some days, unfortunately, the work, cost and sacrifice involved with mothering those four makes it feel like a burden. And then God sends a reminder. Sometimes the reminder is joyful and makes you smile from ear to ear, like Jonathon's awards day. Where you just beam with pride and know without a shadow of a doubt that you are doing a great job as a mother and you have everything under control. And sometimes the reminder is awful. I mean knot in your stomach, sobbing, shaking, awful. Unfortunately, we seem to remember the awful one so much better than the joyful ones. God sent me the awful kind of reminder today.
After church, we went to lunch and then came home. When we got home I got out and went inside to use the bathroom (too much sweet tea at lunch). When I came out of the bathroom, the TV was on and Les was carrying a sleeping Matthew upstairs for a nap. I just assumed everyone was inside. I followed Les upstairs and we laid down to rest while the house was quiet. I think we were resting for about 30 minutes when I decided to run to town for somethings that I really didn't need. I ran to the bathroom (again) and headed downstairs. When I went outside I heard a noise. It sounded like crying, no more like screaming. I realized it was coming from the van. ELLA!! I ran to the van and opened the door. There was my four year old still in her seat belt, sobbing, with vomit all over her and the floor, and wet underwear. I totally panicked! I ran to the door and screamed for help. Les came running and we got Ella out and I carried her inside. She just kept saying, "no one came and got me." I felt like the worst mother ever. I was sobbing. My sweet girl was trapped in the van, it was 91 degrees and I had been resting. What kind of mother am I ?????? I got her some water, a change of clothes and proceeded to scream at everyone- Grace for not unbuckling her sister; Jonathon for not telling me that she was asleep; Les for knowing she was still in the car. I was beside myself. I just kept thinking that she could have died. I was resting and she was screaming. I am still nauseous. I hate to think what could have happened.
After I calmed down, I realized that I had been blaming all the wrong people. I am her mother. As her mother, it is my responsibility to ensure that she is safe and has what she needs. I am the one who needs to make sure she is where I think she is and not leave that up to others. I am once again reminded that each of my children are gifts and that God has given me the enormous privilege of being their mom. I know I won't be perfect, but I know this will stay with me for a very long time.